I am a Widow

Shortly after Les was diagnosed with ALS, a friend took me out for dinner.  She cried with me and said "You are too young to be a widow!"  I kinda forgot about that comment, but recently  remembered this conversation.  Maybe because I AM a widow now.  And she is so right, I AM too young to be a widow!!

Les passed away peacefully early morning September 9.  He had a difficult weekend before and Labor Day night was really tough.  He couldn't sleep and had a "panic" attack at 2 in the morning - was breathing really heavy.  I contacted Hospice and they approved a morphine boost, and a double dose of his "calming" medicine.  Les still couldn't sleep so I got him transferred to his wheelchair and brought him to our bedroom so I could at least lay in bed and try to rest.  He just couldn't get comfortable.  The next morning nurse Carren called and said she would be coming to insert a morphine pump.  Les wanted friend pastor Ben to stop in.  Ben stopped in, but Les was not able to type any words.  So frustrating!  He was really struggling with the motion of his arm/fingers.  Carren came while Ben was still here.  She got the pump inserted and Les immediately calmed down.  We got him tucked in and wheeled him into the living room, where he liked to sit and look out the front windows.  He fell asleep quite soon - no doubt since he was exhausted!  He slept all afternoon, even with people coming and going.

Friend Rick came to put Les to bed Tuesday evening and we could not get Les to wake up - he was snoozing away.  We finally decided to get him back into our bedroom so I could go to bed;  I would be right there if Les woke up in the night.  The strange thing about this is that he has not slept in our bedroom for months.  And all of a sudden it was two nights in a row!  I slept fitfully and would check him often.  He was still sleeping soundly and not moving at all.  I woke up at 6:30, checked his arm which was cold, so I got another blanket to cover him.  I then caressed his face and realized it too was cold, and then I realized he was not breathing anymore.

Even though I have known for two years that Les was going to die, that actual moment is still a shock.  I thought he would be around for a couple of weeks.  I still wanted talk with him and kiss his face.  Yes, we had said our goodbyes, and I had told him several times over the past few weeks that I was okay - he could go meet Jesus.  But when he was actually gone, I was so sad.  The sound of "keening"?  I now know what that is.  I am glad I had a few minutes alone with him before our kids got here.

Our kids came and got to be with their dad a few final minutes.  We did not know Les was going so soon, or they would have been here with me.  But it all worked out, and looking back, it was all good.  Pastor Ben came shortly after and blessed us with some scripture and some memories of Les.

A couple things helped Les get through these past few months.  The first was music and scripture.  He spent his time listening to praise music.  The second was a reminder that we are all going to die - not just Les!  He would feel sad sometimes and we would talk about the fact that he's not the only one that's going to die!  This helped him with that struggle.  The third was a quote from Dr. Suess "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"  We tried to focus on that.  Les lived a good life and we had 33 amazing years together.  We are thankful for that.

If you are able, please join us next Saturday morning at 11:00.  We will be celebrating a life well lived.